In today's headlines ...

(Backdrop - Spangler Hall, news anchor in a yellow turtle-neck and cheap traffic-stopping-red North Face jacket).

AnchorMan: As the war in Iraq drags on with no end in sight and the country remains divided along red and blue lines, another storm is brewing here in Cambridge Massachusetts. This time it is the venerable Harvard University taking up battle stations against applicants to its world-renowned business school. (pause) In fact, the battle has been lost for these applicants before it even began.

(Sound of wind howling into the cheap microphone, anchorman's warm breath clouding the sharp and frosty morning)

AnchorMan: For the HBS 119, as these hackers are now know, a palindrome not entirely lost on them, their dreams of walking the corridors of Spangler Hall have come crashing down! In a twist of high-tech drama and moral conflict of the highest order, these applicants deliberately broke into the Internet computer servers that stored their application files.

AnchorMan: In the not-so-clear words of a neutral observer, Harvard retaliated by "doing to them what they should have done a long time ago to their politically incorrect president ..." - something having to do with derrieres and drop-kicking.

AnchorMan: Harvard has come under harsh criticism for what many think was high-handed action on its part. We spoke to Larry Summers, the embattled President of Harvard University on the subject.

(Dean Summers in a summer dress shivering as he bends forward to speak into the microphone)

Dean Summers: At Haavud, we like to hold our applicants to the highest ethical aspirations of this institution. To my critics, I only have this to say: while the original hackers were 118 in number, 59 of them men and 59 women, we ensured that we denied admission to one more woman candidate to dispel any notion of gender bias.

(Camera pans back to the anchorman)

AnchorMan: Under conditions of strict anonymity, we managed to speak to another commentator of this macabre turn of events, who goes by the name of, (pause) er, Power ... Yogi.

(Camera pans to a pixilated silhouette of whom we will only know as Power Yogi)

AnchorMan: Do you consider yourself to be ethically correct in defending the HBS 119?

PowerYogi: (Studied silence) Hey man, I'm just happy to be on TV. This is better than Elimidate dude!

(Camera turns away hurriedly)

AnchorMan: While the controversy brews, at the center of this storm in a tea-cup is the uber-hacker who goes by the name, (pause) Brook ... Bond, who happens to share his name with a most unpalatable brand of tea from India. We attempted to contact Mr. Bond, but the only comment we could get out of him was this cryptic statement (pausing to read deliberately from a piece of paper):
"Go Apply Yourself you applyers!"

AnchorMan: Reporting live from Cambridge Massachusetts, this is Kent Brockman for CNN News. Back to you Paula.